Old Man vs. TSA

I'm all for security. Since the inception of TSA, the Transportation Security Administration, there have been no major incidents on domestic  airlines. 

However, recently, in Phoenix, Arizona, an incident occurred that strained my relationship with that  organization. 

It was raining in Phoenix. (That in itself, rain in the desert, should have been a bad omen.) But there I was in the Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport boarding a plane for Hotlanta. I was using all my smarts to get through airport security quickly. I mean, you don't want to be one of those people who hold up your fellow travelers. I had placed my watch and college ring in my carry-on bag along with my cellphone and tablet. That way I would only have to take off my belt before going through the metal detector. Boy did I feel smart. 

That feeling faded quickly. I think I appear to have a hearing disorder because I'm old with a white beard. This small lady in a TSA uniform must have thought so, because she kept yelling at me. 

"Take off your shoes!"

I got 'em off and placed in one of the plastic tubs only to see that I had a hole in my sock. I could feel the eyes looking at me. You'd think no one had ever seen a toe before!

"Empty your pockets!"

"Take off your belt!"

It was unnerving. I complied but questioned why I should put my boarding passes in the plastic bin to go through the x-ray machine. 

"Just do it!" She yelled.

I watched all my stuff in the plastic bins move slowly down the conveyor belt going out of sight at the x-ray machine.

"Whew!" I exhaled and entered the short line in front of the metal detector. The man in front of me stepped through and I was about to when a lady in a TSA uniform blocked the entrance with a do not enter sign.

I abruptly moved to the more sophisticated metal detecting machine close by. There were four people in front of me.  After one person had gone through, the machine that was closed down was operating again.  I jumped in that line because it was moving faster. But, yes, it happened again. This time I got in line for the slow fancy machine and decided that I would change lines no more.

When I got into the machine I had to hold my arms out while a scanning device circled around me. It was quick and fast, I thought I was home free and started to go to where my stuff was that had been x-rayed when I heard a big masculine voice say, "Just a minute, Sir!"

Yes, he was talking to me, and he was a big man in a TSA uniform.

"I'm going to frisk you," he said. 

I did not object. He could have his way with me. Just let me get on that plane for Atlanta. He instructed me to stand with my feet apart and my arms outstretched. 

"Anything in your pockets?"

"My wallet." 

"Take it out.  Hold it in your hand!. Anything else?"

"Two cough drops and a wad of lint."

"Take them out and hold them in your hand!"

I heard the public address system,"Delta flight 2248 will be boarding from Gate C-3 in fifteen minutes."

He then began the pat down of my body. At the point where my legs attach to my body he touched places that only my doctor touched. As he moved his hands down my legs my pants started to slide down. ( I have lost some weight, which, until now, I had been proud of.) I was afraid people would see my pink underwear. A helpful desk clerk in Madrid had done our laundry and had not separated the whites from the colored.

"Grab your belt loops," the man from TSA said. 

I did but dropped a cough drop.

"Do you need that cough drop", he asked.

"I can live without it!" 

They had begun boarding our flight. He looked at me and said, " You have to take everything out of that wallet piece by piece so we can examine it, or we can x-ray it."

I frantically asked,"Which is faster?"

"X-ray."

"Go for it!"

By the time I had put my shoes on he returned my wallet to me. 

My wife, Claudette, had all my stuff retrieved from the x-ray machine. As we walked toward the gate where  our plane was waiting I said, "We just had to save money by not buying 'pre-check service' didn't we?"

Afterthought: "When We're Old"