There is a crisis looming on the horizon and I'm going to tell you how to deal with it. It seems that in the very near future we will face a toilet paper shortage. In the current coronavirus crisis people are hoarding toilet paper. And I, a old country boy, cannot understand why someone would buy every roll of toilet paper they can find. Does the threat of the virus carry a threat of diarrhea? Since TP is paper and made from trees, where is the outcry from the tree huggers? I just don't understand.
There are solutions. Since seventy-five percent (75%) of the world's population does not use toilet paper, perhaps all those who want to be considered citizens of the world rather than Americans should add to this percentage. Ever notice how a middle easterners never eat with their left hand. H-m-m! Obviously the left hand is used for some unclean chore. There are other solutions. One is to use a wash cloth. And, of course, the other is paper.
Not just any paper. A long, long time ago (maybe not that long ago) in rural areas where outdoor toilets were common a simple solution was found for the lack of the commodity. Many rural folks never had toilet paper, BUT they had other paper. Newspapers, magazines and mail-order catalogues. There was a technique for using these to cleanse themselves after a number two. First. You had to chose the correct paper if possible. Coated papers such as those in magazines such as National Geographic are not very absorbent. The best paper is newsprint although in the olden days Sears, Roebuck and Company's annual catalogue served this purpose well. Currently, newspapers are printed with soy-based inks so this is a big plus for those with anti- big oil interests. In another political statement you could use the newspaper produced by company toward whose credibility you question. Second. Process the paper (about 5.5 x 8.5in.) by continuously crushing the paper with both hands. This process breaks up the fibers in the paper and makes it soft but not so soft that you stick you finger through it. Usually by the time your body and completed it's bodily function the paper will be soft. However, there is one caveat. If, per chance, you are suffering from some mild constipation, you may crumble the paper until it falls apart in you hand.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel if such a crisis should befall us. Should you be without toilet paper very long, you will become and expert on processing other papers as a substitute.
